Poem about Postpartum Psychosis
by Kellie Haworth, MD, Army pediatrician


No hint of light. Darkness hangs like a shroud.
Hear my own voice, my head is so loud.
Do what I can to dull the pain.
No other choice; not insane.
Hopeless, helpless. Dazed, lost.
Numbness, bitterness. Life not worth the cost.

See them crawling; know they’re nothing.
Hear them screaming; know there’s silence.
Help me. Watch me. Relieve me. Believe me.

Misery my companion, agony my guide.
Loss of reality I can no longer hide.
Ashamed of how I think. Unsure of what I feel.
Worthless, useless, ugly, crazy. In and out of real.
Sleep forever. Run away.
No escape, merely dismay.

See them crawling; are they nothing?
Hear them screaming; know there’s silence.
Help me. Watch me. Relieve me. Doubt me.

Count my blessings. Give me peace.
Beg for sleep, a sweet release.
Locked inside a cage, afraid of what I’ll do.
Not allowed to be alone, not safe to be without you.
Black I feel, hate I see.
Sorrow my one true company.

See them crawling; hope they’re nothing.
Hear them screaming; know there’s silence.
Against me. Watch me. Relieve me. Doubt me.

Terrified they’ll remember me as only this.
Consider each time will be the very last kiss.
Not permitted to touch my angels. The sweetness of new life unknown.
Not acceptable to sleep with demons. Respect for self I no longer own.
Feel guilty for looking with wanting eyes.
Stranded between wretched life and contented demise.

See them crawling; they’re not nothing.
Hear them screaming; know there’s silence.
Against me. Watch me. Suspect me. Doubt me.

Better for them if I disappear.
To ruin their lives is the outcome I fear.
Will they know who I truly was?
Don’t know how to snap out; maybe a stronger woman does.
Imagine their existence without me.
No control in life; death my sole victory.

See them crawling; they’re not nothing.
Hear them screaming; pray for silence.
Against me. Watch me. Suspect me. Restrain me.

Despair, suffering no end.
With every breath my life offend.
Cry no more. Feign a smile.
Kill my love. Check out awhile.
Not a good mother, not a good wife.
Make it up to them by taking my life.

See them crawling; they’re not nothing.
Hear them screaming; death gives silence.
Against me. Watch me. Suspect me. Commit me.

Medication takes away any remnant of me;
left to think nothing, my mind now empty.
Narration has ceased, screaming much less.
White jacket still appropriate dress.
Fear that he’ll break; watch him do what he must.
Will I ever again earn his trust?

See them crawling; hope they’re nothing.
Hear them screaming; pray for silence.
Against me. Watch me. Suspect me. Sedate me.

Responsible for family falling apart.
Watch them sleeping with a broken heart.
Guilty for all, blameless for none.
Returning to reality. What have I done?
Trying to remember from where I came.
Will I, will we, ever be the same?

See them crawling; hope they’re nothing.
Remember the screaming; now there’s silence.
Against me. Watch me. Suspect me. Protect me.

Refuse to allow my psychosis to win.
With this resolve, healing begins.
Able to see glimpses of light now.
Know it will come, but don’t know how.
I have seen Hell and lived in the deep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

See them crawling; know they’re nothing.
Remember the screaming; now there’s silence.
Help me. Watch me. Suspect me. Protect me.

Know now that the darkness was a vast lie.
No longer will I long to die.
Surviving had been an appalling demand,
but I found reaching out to me was my love’s hand.
The grace of God was sufficient to mend;
it kept me alive through to the end.

Remember them crawling; now there’s nothing.
Remember the screaming; now there’s silence.
Helped me. Watched me. Loved me. Protected me.

Insanity now a memory of past.
Happiness achieved at long last.
Now is the time to rebuild, to renew.
I cannot accomplish it without help from you.
God’s strength my only way out, I believe.
Now dedicate myself to breaking this curse of Eve.
 

 

Poem about Postpartum Psychosis
by Kellie Haworth, MD, Army pediatrician


No hint of light. Darkness hangs like a shroud.
Hear my own voice, my head is so loud.
Do what I can to dull the pain.
No other choice; not insane.
Hopeless, helpless. Dazed, lost.
Numbness, bitterness. Life not worth the cost.

See them crawling; know they’re nothing.
Hear them screaming; know there’s silence.
Help me. Watch me. Relieve me. Believe me.

Misery my companion, agony my guide.
Loss of reality I can no longer hide.
Ashamed of how I think. Unsure of what I feel.
Worthless, useless, ugly, crazy. In and out of real.
Sleep forever. Run away.
No escape, merely dismay.

See them crawling; are they nothing?
Hear them screaming; know there’s silence.
Help me. Watch me. Relieve me. Doubt me.

Count my blessings. Give me peace.
Beg for sleep, a sweet release.
Locked inside a cage, afraid of what I’ll do.
Not allowed to be alone, not safe to be without you.
Black I feel, hate I see.
Sorrow my one true company.

See them crawling; hope they’re nothing.
Hear them screaming; know there’s silence.
Against me. Watch me. Relieve me. Doubt me.

Terrified they’ll remember me as only this.
Consider each time will be the very last kiss.
Not permitted to touch my angels. The sweetness of new life unknown.
Not acceptable to sleep with demons. Respect for self I no longer own.
Feel guilty for looking with wanting eyes.
Stranded between wretched life and contented demise.

See them crawling; they’re not nothing.
Hear them screaming; know there’s silence.
Against me. Watch me. Suspect me. Doubt me.

Better for them if I disappear.
To ruin their lives is the outcome I fear.
Will they know who I truly was?
Don’t know how to snap out; maybe a stronger woman does.
Imagine their existence without me.
No control in life; death my sole victory.

See them crawling; they’re not nothing.
Hear them screaming; pray for silence.
Against me. Watch me. Suspect me. Restrain me.

Despair, suffering no end.
With every breath my life offend.
Cry no more. Feign a smile.
Kill my love. Check out awhile.
Not a good mother, not a good wife.
Make it up to them by taking my life.

See them crawling; they’re not nothing.
Hear them screaming; death gives silence.
Against me. Watch me. Suspect me. Commit me.

Medication takes away any remnant of me;
left to think nothing, my mind now empty.
Narration has ceased, screaming much less.
White jacket still appropriate dress.
Fear that he’ll break; watch him do what he must.
Will I ever again earn his trust?

See them crawling; hope they’re nothing.
Hear them screaming; pray for silence.
Against me. Watch me. Suspect me. Sedate me.

Responsible for family falling apart.
Watch them sleeping with a broken heart.
Guilty for all, blameless for none.
Returning to reality. What have I done?
Trying to remember from where I came.
Will I, will we, ever be the same?

See them crawling; hope they’re nothing.
Remember the screaming; now there’s silence.
Against me. Watch me. Suspect me. Protect me.

Refuse to allow my psychosis to win.
With this resolve, healing begins.
Able to see glimpses of light now.
Know it will come, but don’t know how.
I have seen Hell and lived in the deep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

See them crawling; know they’re nothing.
Remember the screaming; now there’s silence.
Help me. Watch me. Suspect me. Protect me.

Know now that the darkness was a vast lie.
No longer will I long to die.
Surviving had been an appalling demand,
but I found reaching out to me was my love’s hand.
The grace of God was sufficient to mend;
it kept me alive through to the end.

Remember them crawling; now there’s nothing.
Remember the screaming; now there’s silence.
Helped me. Watched me. Loved me. Protected me.

Insanity now a memory of past.
Happiness achieved at long last.
Now is the time to rebuild, to renew.
I cannot accomplish it without help from you.
God’s strength my only way out, I believe.
Now dedicate myself to breaking this curse of Eve.
 

 
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resources for fathers  
find local helpget the facts