Pregnancy After Loss
By Nicole McNelis, M.Ed., NCC, LPC, PMH-C
Pregnancy After Loss can be an experience filled with so many different emotions and emotional highs and lows. One moment can be filled with joy, while the next might be gripped with fear. It’s important to remember that all of these feelings are understandable. Showing compassion, kindness, and gentleness is key.
Let’s take a moment to examine some common emotions that can come up during pregnancy after loss:
Feelings of Anxiety
You may be wondering if you will experience loss again. Many birthing people find that anxiety begins to ease as they get further along in their pregnancy, but that isn’t true for everyone. Sometimes reaching specific pregnancy milestones is helpful, but not always. Expressing this anxiety through talking to a trusted therapist or support person can be beneficial.
Grief
You may find that other people seem to have trouble acknowledging your loss. In some ways, your loss might feel invisible. Finding community can help you feel less alone in your grief. You might consider joining loss support groups and attending loss memorial ceremonies and events.
Fear of Not Bonding to the Pregnancy or the Baby
It’s important to remember that there is no timeline for connection and that bonding is not instantaneous for most birthing people. You can take your time working to figure out what works best and feels most authentic in bonding with your baby. Talking or singing to the baby, reading books, sitting quietly with the baby, and involving a partner, sibling, or other family member to connect can also be part of the process.
Not Enjoying Pregnancy
It’s ok not to enjoy pregnancy for any number of reasons – including prior losses. Take off the pressure of “enjoying every moment.” However you are feeling about your pregnancy is valid.
Wavering and Changing Feelings
It’s perfectly normal to be excited sometimes and terribly worried at other times. Work with your feelings and not against them. Don’t dismiss your feelings. Ask yourself what information your feelings are trying to convey.
If you are wondering how to support someone in your life who is experiencing pregnancy after loss, here are some important things to keep in mind.
Things NOT to Say to Someone Experiencing Pregnancy After Loss:
- This pregnancy is what you wanted and hoped for – stop being so worried.
- I told you that you would get pregnant again. All that worrying was such a waste.
- The miscarriage you experienced was meant to be – the baby probably wouldn’t have survived. You should be thankful for the loss.
- You must be loving every moment of being pregnant again.
- Pregnancy loss is really common. It’s not a big deal.
Things To Say and Ways to be Supportive During Pregnancy After Loss:
- I’m here for you whatever you are feeling. You are welcome to talk to me or not. I’m here for you.
- Congratulations on your pregnancy! How are you feeling?
- Refer to the lost baby by the baby’s name.
- I’m so sorry for your loss and I want to support you in this pregnancy.
- Offer gentle support – making meals, attending appointments, and being available for whatever is needed.
Remember, the loss of a pregnancy or infant is one of the most difficult things any parent can experience. BE GENTLE. BE SUPPORTIVE. BE CARING. BE A GOOD LISTENER.
About the Author
Nicole McNelis, M.Ed., NCC, LPC, PMH-C
Nicole is a licensed mental health therapist and perinatal mental health counseling specialist. She is the founder of an award-winning counseling private practice in the suburbs of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania – where she also resides with her family. Passionate about supporting individuals through life transitions both big and small, Nicole helps her clients move through the overwhelm and exhaustion of juggling it all – all the time. Nicole has been featured as a mental health expert in print publications, online media, books, and podcasts. Serving as a subject matter expert and conference presenter for Postpartum Support International, Nicole is honored to serve the perinatal mental health community. For more information on Nicole and her practice, visit www.nicolemcnelis.com.
Loss and Grief in Pregnancy and Postpartum
