Holding the Mothers Who Hold Us: Building Safe Spaces for Black and Brown Moms

By LaKendra Johnson, LPC, LPCC-S, PMH-C

I was about a month postpartum with my son when I was in Target, alone, doing an errand run. It was one of the first solo trips I’d taken since he was born. I needed to get out of the house and stretch my legs beyond the four walls of the living room that I had been staring at for the last few weeks.

What was meant to be a quick run turned into an emotional whirlwind I wasn’t expecting.

While wandering aimlessly through the juniors’ section of the store, I thumbed through pretty dresses and skirts with rhinestones, crushed velvet, and sparkling sequins. I was surprised by the tears that welled up in my eyes. I realized that New Year’s Eve was fast approaching, hence the abundance of options to choose from for that night in the store. New Year’s Eve has always been my favorite holiday to spend with friends – getting dressed up, shouting gleefully as we ushered in the possibilities of the incoming year. It hit me at that moment that not only would I miss out on that ritual, but my New Year’s Eve celebrations would probably look different for me in the future as a mama.

I knew my support systems would change after becoming a mother. But I had not accounted for how lonely I would feel, especially in the first few months postpartum. While some of my friends had children already, they were in different stages of postpartum than I was, with kids years older than my own, or they were newly pregnant with their babies still growing. I was in a weird in-between space, and on top of that, my network of closest friends and supporters didn’t live in the same city as me. While I appreciated those FaceTime calls throughout the day to check in on my son and me, it didn’t hit the same way as if they were face-to-face with us and could hand off the baby while I ate or showered, or talked about random cultural news on the couch together. I wondered, “How do I find more support in this season of my life?”

I know I’m not alone in navigating this, especially as a Black mother. Unfortunately, it can be hard to find spaces that feel safe or where you feel truly seen for who you are and have a community that is supportive. As a millennial, I recognize the village that our parents and grandparents had doesn’t exist in the same way; some of the supports we need (daycare, doula services, etc.) come at a cost. Our grandparents, if they’re alive and in our lives, might be dealing with medical ailments or the impacts of aging. Our parents are still working or are entering into the early stages of retirement, and frankly, want to be selfish and enjoy their time without little ones to watch. Friends might be across the country, planning weddings, finishing school, or otherwise occupied with other things. Even if all of these things are in place and helpful with the best of intentions, sometimes the supports we have aren’t enough to leave us feeling comforted on a day-to-day basis.

Here are a few places to search for community in any stage of motherhood:

Your local community center:

• Not only do many of them provide childcare or aftercare services, but lots of events are happening there, too! Some of them are hosted by the community center itself, but community members rent out and host events as well. Seek ones that fit your interests and say hello to a fellow attendee while you’re there.

Find a motherhood collective:

• These groups catering to mothers (and their kiddos) have been on the rise in cities all over the country. Try searching for these groups on Instagram and Facebook by trying search terms like “[your city] motherhood collective.” Most offer mom-only events, as well as events that are family-friendly, so you get to have time for yourself to meet and get to know other moms and families, too.

Join a support group:

• There are plenty of virtual support groups that will lead you to people who are going through similar stages of motherhood as you and who are open to cultivating supportive relationships. Postpartum Support International has groups specific to Black and Brown mothers, but you can also find them on other sites like Shades of Blue Project or Latina Moms Connect. To find an in-person group in your area, try searching for things like “Black mom mental health group [your city],” “Latina postpartum support [your city],” or “postpartum support groups [your city]” on Google, Instagram, or Facebook. If there are perinatal counseling agencies in your area, they may provide in-person support options as well.

Gyms:

• Gyms that offer childcare options can offer you a well-deserved reprieve and ability to take care of your mental health and physical health while not needing to be too far away from your little one(s).

Tap into your perinatal support system:

• If you worked with a doula, lactation consultant, physical therapist, mental health therapist, midwife, etc. during your pregnancy or postpartum, ask them! Often, they have their ear to the ground on community events that may be of interest to you.

Local libraries:

• Libraries are excellent places to meet other moms during story times or other kid-centered events.

Daycare friends:

• If your child is in daycare and you notice they seem to get along well with another child, try dropping a note to the child’s parent to set up a playdate. This may lead to a friendship that can grow not only for you, but for your child as well!

Create your own gathering:

• I know, I know. The point is to do less, not more. But sometimes, we have to be the change we hope to see. Creating a safe, inclusive space might be an option for some.

As you evolve in your journey through motherhood, some of your interests and priorities may shift. Know that it is OK to try a few things as your identity evolves as well. Give yourself grace, stay curious and open. You got this, mama!

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The Alliance for People of Color
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