Parenthood After Loss and Infertility

By Vasthie Arteaga, M.D., PMH-C

It’s been a long day of chasing our dog, playing ball and eating our favorite snacks. My son is resting in my arms so sweetly, his heart beating gently, yet strong, like a rhythmic echoing drum. We’re safe in his nursery, but my mind drifts back to tucked away memories of the heartbeat that once was. These days, I marvel at the blessing of my toddler son. Not long ago, however, I was drying off tears as my husband and I sat in a room of ear-piercing silence, waiting for the ultrasound tech to reassure us that the heartbeat of our first baby boy was found and that we could breathe a sigh of relief. We were pregnant years prior, filled with excitement, thinking of names and dreaming of the memories we’d experience. The pregnancy was a challenging one, involving trips to the hospital, but we held hope that things would stabilize. Unfortunately, our little one was lost after putting up a brave fight. Years later, we would face a tough road of infertility filled with doctor visits and IVF treatment mixed with uncertainties and hope, which eventually led to our miracle baby. 

Back in the nursery, my little one shifts in my arms as he dozes off to sleep and I’m back, safe in the joy of current times.  

Parenthood after a prior loss can come with its challenges. From peak anxiety during pregnancy, where you find yourself holding your breath at each ultrasound visit, to finding yourself being over protective of your toddler as they run around the playground. Even without loss, those who have endured countless fertility treatments, who may feel a particular pregnancy is their only chance, can face increased anxiety, worries and fears around making sure things go well. Some, like me, have had to navigate both experiences. 

Memories of What Could Have Been

One particular aspect of parenthood after loss can include mourning what could have been for the life of your lost little one (referred to as an angel baby). You may find yourself looking at your current child, amazed at what they’re accomplishing, yet your thoughts keep wandering off with wonders of what it would have been like to watch your angel baby do the same activity. How would they do it differently? 

Sometimes you imagine what things would look like if they were playing together. If you add on the layer of infertility after a loss, and have only been able to have one child, you may mourn the lost prospect of your child experiencing having a sibling bond. Your mind often creates colorful stories of what could have been, but you have to eventually come to a reality of accepting where things are and find ways to push forward.

Mom Guilt

We often talk about mom guilt in the context of feeling bad for prioritizing our self-care, worried that all the focus should be on our kids. However, there’s a different type of mom or parent guilt – the one where you’re having a great day, smiling, enjoying your child, thinking how great life is, and then you’re suddenly hit with a reminder that your angel baby isn’t here to enjoy the fun. Or you ask yourself how is it possible to laugh and to smile when you’ve lost something so great in life. 

The truth is, you can both enjoy where life is while also grieving what has been lost. Sometimes the reconciliation comes from basking in the gratefulness of where you are now and doing your best to honor your lost child by being present in your current joys, which also helps soothe your aching memories.

Helicopter Parenting

Helicopter parent is a term typically used to describe an overly protective parent who “hovers” over their child, constantly monitoring, managing, and intervening in their daily life to an excessive degree, often due to anxiety. After prior loss or after previous infertility challenges, a parent may find themselves hyper-focused on the well-being of their child/children. This may come by way of making sure to play side-by-side with their kid at the playground, assuring they are safe from potential boo-boos. Perhaps they find themselves holding on tight to every stage of development, realizing they likely won’t have the chance to relive them. Although a balanced approach is best in parenting, I think it’s also important to validate why a grieving mom may appear overly anxious about their child, especially after a prior loss where she lost all sense of control. Or why a mom who has had to say goodbye to her dream of a large family due to fertility challenges may take more time to process that their child is growing up quickly.

Either way, with loss or grave challenges towards achieving motherhood, it’s reasonable to understand where anxieties may spawn from, and working past them starts with validation. Validate how you’re feeling. Validate the confusion of the mixed emotions. Validate that there will be better times in this long stretch of life.

Finding Peace

Whether your challenges have involved loss, infertility, or both, there comes a time where you’ll need to find a peace that is your own. Just as each person may have a different vision of what their life would have been like, we can each have a different journey in healing. One parent’s peace may involve accepting their current family size and transitioning past trying for more pregnancies. Another may involve molding their lives into a different vision if they’re unable to have the children they yearned for after a loss or after infertility. 

One thing is for sure: none of these experiences are easy, but through validation, acceptance and support, healing can start.

---

---

---

Explore these PSI Resources:   

Perinatal Loss and Grief Resources
Get Help
Peer Support Groups 
Subscribe to the PSI Blog