From Doubt to Healing: Overcoming Skepticism in Treating Male Postpartum Depression
By Sean McKenna, Founder and Writer, Dad on the Pitch Blog
Trigger warning: pregnancy and birth complications
Keeping it Bottled Up Inside
I am a 6’2″, 230-pound male, born to Nigerian and English immigrant parents, both research scientists. Growing up, I was taught to suppress my emotions and resolve issues independently, as my parents were always focused on their work. This led to a lifelong habit of bottling up my worries, which affected how I approached many aspects of life, including relationships and personal goals.
When my wife and I struggled to conceive, physicians initially focused on her health, despite our request for both of us to be tested. It wasn’t until later that tests revealed I had 0% sperm morphology. Though it was a heavy blow, I continued to suppress my feelings and proceeded with the IVF process. In October 2019, we welcomed our first daughter, Lyn, and I became a stay-at-home father.
The Onset of Postpartum Depression
Our second child, conceived via frozen embryo transfer, faced significant complications. Despite prior genetic testing, an anatomy scan revealed she has spina bifida. This news, combined with a lack of family support, mentally taxed us. My wife’s father helped, but my own family was distant, and my wife’s mother had disowned us for racial reasons.
Our second daughter was born in August 2022 and required two surgeries within days of her birth. As I tried to shield her from the world and protect her, my mental state worsened significantly. Every little thing around me seemed like a threat, triggering a defensive response leading to postpartum depression. When a third surgery resulted in massive blood loss, seeing her unconscious in the PICU broke me. I was overwhelmed with guilt and a profound sense of helplessness. Despite my education and life experiences, I felt utterly useless, consumed by the belief that if I no longer existed, perhaps my daughter would be spared from further suffering.
The Decision to Seek Therapy
As my mental state deteriorated, my wife urged me to see a therapist. At that point, I was suicidal and engaging in self-destructive behaviors. I resisted the idea, harboring deep skepticism about therapy. My perception was that therapists merely echoed your thoughts back to you, offering superficial advice designed to keep you dependent rather than fostering genuine recovery. I feared the process would be more about retaining me as a client than about actual healing.
During my first session, I expressed these doubts openly to my therapist. To my surprise, she responded with understanding rather than dismissing my concerns. She didn’t force the process or impose a rigid structure. Instead, she allowed me the space to become comfortable, letting the dialogue unfold naturally.
The turning point came when I realized that my therapist wasn’t just passively listening; she was actively identifying patterns in my thinking, helping me make sense of my emotions in a way I hadn’t been able to before. Her approach directly targeted my postpartum depression, guiding me to recognize the negative cycles of guilt, helplessness, and anxiety that had consumed me. She didn’t just tell me what I wanted to hear but helped me confront the root of my depression, allowing me to regain control over my thoughts and emotions. This process helped me to manage the overwhelming feelings tied to my role as a father and to begin to see a way forward.
My therapist helped me shift from a pessimistic mindset, encouraging me to focus on what genuinely brought joy into my life—my wife, my daughters, and the moments that made life worth living.
Depression Met with Distance
After starting therapy and being more open about my struggles, I received mixed reactions. My close-knit group of friends were incredibly supportive, actively looking for ways to help in my recovery. However, I quickly became aware of others who viewed my diagnosis differently. Some women, even those within the medical field, dismissed my experience with male postpartum depression, labeling it as another attempt by the patriarchy to co-opt something that should be exclusive to women.
Being a stay-at-home father had left me feeling isolated, surrounded mostly by mothers. The few fathers I did know distanced themselves, telling me to “grow a pair” rather than acknowledge the mental health challenges I was facing. These attitudes compounded the isolation, but therapy helped me refocus on those who truly supported me and mattered in my life.
Words of Wisdom
To anyone feeling overwhelmed, I strongly encourage seeking professional help. Therapy has been invaluable in my journey toward healing, and I’m hopeful that as mental health awareness continues to grow the stigma surrounding men seeking mental health support will begin to fade.
